“It takes courage to say yes to rest and play in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol.”
– Brené Brown
So, you finally gave yourself some time off to relax – what now? You might be one of those people who is just chronically bad at relaxing (that used to be me!). Maybe you find yourself feeling anxious when relaxing. Perhaps you’re even allergic to relaxing (although I highly doubt that’s the case). Either way, I’m sure you’ve asked yourself the question “why can’t I just sit and relax!?” Turns out, it’s not as simple as some people make it seem. Lucky for you, you’ve found this guide on how to relax!
Why is relaxing so hard!?
Did you know that when your body has been in a state of chronic stress and anxiety for so long, it can actually perceive rest and relaxation as a threat? Talk about irony! Our body actually becomes addicted to the stress chemicals that the brain pumps out. So when you are in a less stressful state, your body can start craving those stress chemicals and bring you back into a survival response to get them. The discomfort we feel when we try to relax is basically a form of withdrawal.
The good news is, we can train the body and brain to relax. It might just take some time to build up our capacity for relaxation, as we want to make this change gradually. But we can find ways to wean ourselves off of the stress chemicals and get ourselves through the withdrawal symptoms. One way is to regularly practice some of the coping strategies mentioned throughout the Authentically Emotional blog, as this will help us to better manage stress and regulate our nervous systems. I will also outline some other tips on how to relax below, so keep reading!
So how do I relax???
Over the years, a bunch of health professionals told me that I was in a state of chronic stress or fight and flight, and that I needed to learn to relax more. They just never told me HOW to do that. Because it turns out it’s not as simple as flipping a switch or just telling your brain that it’s now relaxation time.
Luckily, I have stumbled upon some solutions to this problem during my anxiety management journey, intentionally and unintentionally. In the hopes that it doesn’t take you as long as it took me to learn how to begin relaxing, I am sharing the strategies that have been helping me to stop relaxation-induced anxiety. While none of them are full on cures for this issue, they can definitely be helpful tools once you commit to learning how to relax.
Start Small as You Learn to Finally Relax
“Why can’t I relax?” you ask? Probably because you’re setting unrealistic expectations for yourself! My first piece of advice on relaxation: START SMALL. And whatever you consider to be small, find a way to go even smaller – trust me on this one. Our new mantra is going to be “Anything is better than nothing”. It’s better to do teeny tiny bits of relaxation imperfectly than to do none at all.
It is a very unrealistic expectation that we would just be able to sit alone in a quiet room and feel relaxed after not having been able to do that for most of our lives. That much literal and figurative quiet can be very triggering for the nervous system. So, I suggest that you find small ways to weave relaxation into your day, even if it’s just 2 minutes at a time.
Maybe it’s actually setting an alarm after working for a specific amount of time and making yourself your favourite hot beverage. Maybe it’s allowing yourself to stare out the window and daydream for a moment. Whatever it is, make it small, and start building on that foundation only when it feels more comfortable and sustainable.
Seek Out Relaxation Through Social Connection
Beyond starting small, I found it really helpful to focus on experiences that allowed me to be connected with others and that more easily distracted me from my to-do list. Once again, throwing ourselves into the deep-end by expecting ourselves to sit alone in peace and quiet for a given amount of time can be triggering when we’re just starting out. It’s also much harder to keep ourselves accountable as we learn how to relax. Enter making enjoyable plans with people you actually like spending time with.
Some of my greatest outlets involve playing group sports such as hockey or dodgeball. The combination of physical activity and social interaction is very important for me and is very healing for the nervous system. I find that when I am more physically and socially active on a regular basis, it is much easier for me to truly appreciate and sink into relaxation time on my own. I even begin to crave it more!
Ease Relaxation-Induced Anxiety by Making It Sensory
Since the problem with learning to relax lies mainly in our nervous system, it makes sense that part of the solution lies here too. One of my favourite ways to help my body adapt to relaxation is to make experiences sensory. As I’ve discussed before, our senses are a great tool for grounding ourselves in the present moment. Luckily, we can use them to help us ease into relaxation as well! Here is how I make some traditional relaxation activities more sensory, and therefore more relaxing:
- Bath or shower – light some candles, dim overhead lights, add some bath salts or bubble bath to the water, play some soft music, diffuse some essential oil, have a favourite beverage, read a good book.
- Reading – pick a cozy reading spot, make a cup of tea, have a special reading candle or essential oil, wrap yourself up in blankets, play some instrumental music in the background, pick a favourite book.
- Crafting/creating art – play some upbeat music, diffuse some essential oil, have snacks and a yummy drink nearby, play around with textures, use lots of colours in the craft/art.
- Sitting outside – pick a scenic spot, set up a comfy chair or blanket, make a special drink to bring with you, listen to all the sounds around you, smell the fresh air.
The important thing, no matter what you are doing, is to tune into each of your senses. Better yet, plan how you can incorporate something that you enjoy for each of your senses and really allow yourself to savour these elements. This will help to signal to your nervous system that you are safe so that you can actually relax.
Use a Transitioning Activity
Other than using our senses, there are some other things we can do to help soothe our nervous systems before our down time. A great place to start would be with any coping strategies that you already use to calm anxiety (why fix what isn’t broken, right?). You could also try doing a breath exercise for a few minutes (see this post for some suggestions). Or else you could do a guided meditation or visualization to help get you in the right state of mind and to set an intention for your down time. Youtube has so many great options for this, or you could check out your favourite mindfulness or meditation app. I personally find meditations by The Honest Guys super calming – this one might be a good place to start!
Shift Your Mindset About Relaxation
Something that our society has ingrained into us is this idea that productivity is the ultimate goal and rest is extremely unproductive. With this core belief, it’s no wonder we struggle with down time! A huge part of shifting out of constant fight or flight and learning to relax is unlearning these messages and replacing them with healthier truths.
This can be difficult and can take a long time – I’m still often coming up against core beliefs that have been instilled in me by others and that don’t align with my own values. The important thing is to pause from time to time to notice what beliefs are driving our actions and decide if 1) this is actually our belief or someone else’s, and 2) whether this belief is serving us. Then we can start to do the work to replace it.
It can also be helpful to repeat affirmations or reframed beliefs to ourselves. Instead of beating yourself up with thoughts of “why can’t I relax!?”, try using some of these affirmations:
- It’s okay for me to do less when I am coping with more.
- Rest is productive.
- Rest does not need to be earned.
- It is safe for me to rest.
Conclusion
If I can leave you with one final thought, it would be this: You are worthy of rest. You are worthy of relaxation. You are worthy of play and excitement and joy and passion. Okay so that was many thoughts. But you get my point – you are worth more than just “productivity” and grind and getting ‘er done. Life is so much more than these things and my wish for you is that you find the things that make that balance feel easy and worth it. So go relax already 😉 And let me know if any of the strategies above helped you out with that 😊
PS – looking for some more relaxation techniques to try out? Check out these posts:
